A couple of years ago I made a top ten list of scary movies that I’ll probably never watch, and this year I’ve decided to revisit that list and add to it. Even though I do like reading horror books, I’m not actually the biggest fan of horror movies because I find them so much scarier (i know that for most people, books are scarier for movies, but it’s the complete opposite for me). When it comes to visual mediums like movies, TV shows, or video games, I’m a complete baby because even though I like to think that my imagination is pretty powerful, it never conjures up nasty monsters or gory situations so when I see them, it’s a huge shock to my system.
I personally tend to only watch horror movies that are incredibly old and probably not even scary anymore, unless I’m feeling particularly brave, so this post will only show that I am a total baby, but I’m okay with that.
The Human Centipede trilogy – I understand that the original Human Centipede movie came about from a joke that the director made about how child molesters should be punished (he said that paedophiles should be punished by having their mouths stitched to the butts of sweaty truck drivers. lovely) but it has to be the squickiest thing I’ve ever heard. I have a fear of choking so the idea of somebody forcibly doing their business down another person’s throat is enough to make my stomach churn. There’s now three movies in this series, all of which I will not be watching any time soon out of the fear of losing my lunch while watching. If I have any lunch to lose, that is.
The Thing – I love aliens, and will usually watch anything with them in. Apart from this movie. I’ve seen The Thing heralded as the scariest movie ever made and even seeing a stop-motion parody starring Pingu which is surprisingly graphic has put me off this movie for life. But who knows, I can watch Alien no problem these days and that movie used to be on my blacklist (i’ve even gif-ed the chestburster scene, that’s how much it doesn’t bother me anymore).
BrainDead/Dead Alive – Zombies aren’t my favourite thing in the world so I haven’t actually seen a single zombie movie. Things that involve zombies usually tend to be gory, and I can’t handle gory, so I tend to stay away from them (i also think zombies are kinda boring, but that’s for another discussion). This Peter Jackson (yes, that Peter Jackson) movie is so gory that I can’t even read the content guide on IMDb without having to compose myself. I get that it’s supposed to be played for laughs, but I just can’t handle this level of gore. There’s a scene where the hero goes through a room of zombies with a lawnmower and let’s just say that there’s a lot of blood (five gallons of it, to be exact). To quote James Rolfe of Cinemassacre, “Think of the most horrifying, grisly, bloody, sick fuck of a movie you can possible think of. Then look at BrainDead. Now whatever you were just thinking of, looks like the Care Bears.”
The Exorcist – I’m the kind of person who falls for subliminal messages incredibly easily. If I’m watching a YouTube video and there’s text on the screen for literally one frame, I’m going to pause so that I can go back and read it. If I did that while watching The Exorcist I probably wouldn’t sleep thanks to the numerous times the demon’s face pops up for less than a second. If you want to see what I mean, do a YouTube search for the original theatrical trailer, but be careful if you’re sensitive to flashing images. I’m not religious at all and I don’t believe in demons or posessions, but the idea of it does scare me because I hate the idea of not being in control of your own body. *Shudders*
Anything by Troma – Troma is an independent film studio that makes B-horror movies that look not just graphic, but ridiculous too. They’re also made pretty cheaply, which I guess could be a charming thing to some people, but not necessarily to me. Ridiculousness isn’t always a bad thing because from the looks of it (and the titles), these movies don’t take themselves too seriously as horror movies. I mean, they have a movie called Killer Condom, that doesn’t sound like a movie to take seriously. But to me, gore is gore and I would definitely watch these movies from underneath a blanket. With my fingers in my ears. And my eyes closed.
Men Behind the Sun – This is a historical Chinese movie about war atrocities committed by the Imperial Japanese Army during WWII and it just sounds horrendously graphic. Historical and horror aren’t usually two genres that go together, but in this case I will support it because the war crimes committed in WWII were so awful that the only way they could be portrayed accurately is in a horror movie. So, what do we have here? We have people being frozen to death, having frozen limbs smashed, people being tied up to posts and bombed, a young boy is given an autopsy while he’s still alive, a man locked into a compression chamber until his insides come out of his body, and real dead bodies. Yep, real dead bodies. Why? Because in the 80s there was no special effects industry in China so the director had to use real dead bodies instead. Sounds lovely, doesn’t it? At least it’s historically accurate. Supposedly, that is.
The Fly (1986) – I should specify that I only mean the 80s remake of The Fly and not the original version because it’s probably nowhere near as horrifying as the remake. David Cronenberg is probably the most well-known body horror director and most of his movies just sound so gross and scary to me that the only one I’d probably watch is The Dead Zone. Anyways, back to The Fly. I’ve never handled stories about mutation very well, I still haven’t seen a single X-Men movie because of this. Insects have always freaked me out, so the idea of a person mutating into a giant bug thing is my idea of a nightmare. Also, a guy’s hand and foot get melted by the fly’s spit. Nice.
The Green Inferno – You know what really freaks me out? Eyeballs. I can’t handle things happening to eyeballs to the point that I’m incredibly grateful that I have perfect vision because I would much rather be blind and wear glasses forever than wear contacts or get (ick) laser eye surgery. What does this have to do with this movie? There’s a scene in which one character has his eyes gouged out, tongue cut off, and then eaten. While he’s still alive. I just can’t deal with that kind of thing.
Cannibal Holocaust – This is supposed to be one of the most disturbing movies ever made, mainly because people thought it was real and the director was put on trial for murder, where the cast (who were told to pretend to be dead) had to defend him by showing that they weren’t murdered. The worst part for me isn’t the gore and sexual violence, it’s the real animal killings. Yes, animals were actually killed on-screen in this movie. I can’t even handle fake animal deaths, never mind real ones.
A Serbian Film – I usually have no problem with arthouse films, especially if I understand them. But, *ahem*, child rape. No, no, no, no, no. Gore aside, child rape is definite where I draw the line with this one.
Antichrist – Y’know what doesn’t sound fun? Genital mutilation. Yeah. Gential. Mutilation. Both male and female. I’m squirming just typing that.
The Wizard of Gore – Now that we’re at the end of this list, we should all know by now that I try to stay away from body horror as much as possible. I can handle violence incredibly well (in fact, some of my absolute favourite movies are pretty violent), but gore is a whole different story, especially if it involves the human body. The title of this movie pretty much gives away the fact that it’s going to be incredibly gory. Apparently the effects of this movie haven’t aged very well, which is usually the sign that I’d probably be ok to watch it, but I won’t be risking it any time soon. The whole thing’s waiting on YouTube for me if I ever do want to watch it.
Are there any horror movies that you can’t watch? What makes you nervous about watching a particular horror movie?